Bert

One day Bert had a strange feeling. He HAD to walk. And he did. He walked away from the small city he lived in. He kept on walking. Up the hills. Down the hills. Up the hills. And down the hills. To break the symmetry he walked down the hills again and then up the hills. After a bit of walking up and down the hills (there were a lot of hills) he sat down. He thought to himself:
That was a nice walk!
Then he laid down and slept for a whole minute. Then he arose and said: "Now I'll take a little walk." And so he did. He began walking up the hills. And down the hills. And up the ..... hmmmmph, forget it.
After 10 hours of walking he saw a man. Bert went to the man and said: "Hullo!"
The man answered: "Hullo!" Then Bert said: "Hullo!" The man looked at Bert and said: "Hullo!" Bert sat down and asked: "Who are you?" The man replied:
"Well I'm not you." The truth of this disappointed Bert. "Indeed I'm not", said the man to himself. "No you're not", the man replied.
Bert, saddened by the hard facts of the world, began to walk. The man said:
"Goodbye". Bert just kept on walking. Then he walked across the ocean.
He wondered why it was such a miracle when Jesus did the same. Anyway, then he came to another country. And he saw a man. Bert went to the man and said: "Hullo!" The man replied: "Hullo!" Bert soon got tired and went to sleep.
This time it was a good long nap, and after two minutes and 23 seconds, he arose and started to walk. He went up the mountains and down the mountains. And up the mountains. And when he reached the summit, he encountered the horrible snowman.
"Uuuurrrgghh", the snowman said.
"Want some tea?", Bert asked.
"Allright old chap", the horrible snowman answered. Bert took two carrots and squeesed some tea out of them.
"Thank you", the snowman said.
"You're welcome", Bert answered.
"Well, I must go", the snowman said, and began walking down the mountains and up the mountains. The suddenly he turned, and walked backwards down the mountains.
"What an interesting idea", Bert said, and then he began walking backwards down the mountains. He walked backwards up the mountains and backwards down the mountains.
Then Bert came to a big hole. "Hullo", Bert said to the hole. "Hullo", the hole said to Bert. Then Bert jumped into the hole. "Gooorrpff", the hole said.
After walking 200 kilometers Bert realised that it had been dark all the time.
"Hmmmmmmm", he said and pulled a car out of his pocket. He turned on the light and began to walk. Then a worm appeared and said:
"What a nice car you have there".
"Oh yes", Bert said; "Do you want it?"
"Yes thank you", the worm replied. Bert gave the car to the worm. The worm started the car and within 5 secs. it was doing 345 miles per hour. "Bye", Bert said.
"Fonk", said the worm.
Again Bert started to walk in the dark. He didn't care. He was tired but didn't want to sleep because it was to bright. So he kept on walking.
Now he met a little thing. It was a woman. She was short, had glasses, curls and said: "Was machst du hier!?" Bert was terrified. He was so frightened that he lifted 5 inches of the ground. "Dang", he said; "I promised myself not to do that again".
Angry with himself he hit the ground. The woman said: "Du musst mit mir gehen! Ich habe ein ding fr dich." Bert ran away screaming, That woman was the most terrifying thing he had ever encountered. He slowed, dropping his speed to lightspeed. and then stopped.
Bert saw a hole and walked trough it. "Ooooops", he said when he saw two accer-baccers doing IT.
"Wrong entrance". He rapidly left the two accerbaccers and saw another hole. With great caution he looked into the hole and saw a man. Bert went to the man and said: "Hullo"
"Hullo", the man said; "want to buy some butter?"
"Butter? Why not", Bert said and gave the man 2 zillion puonds.
"Thank you", the man said and left Bert.
Bert ate half the butter and poured the rest in his face. "It's good for my teint", he thought. Then Bert heard a buzzing sound. It was a dog. It flew towards Bert and began to eat the butter in his face. Unfortunately it ate his nose as well.
"Hey, come back with my nose", Bert said. The dog just kept buzzing around.
Then Bert grabbed the dogs tail and pulled. It fell of and Bert said:
"If you want your tail, give me my nose". The dog looked at Bert and laughed.
It flew away laughing, and Bert saw that it had a new tail. Rather confused, Bert took the dogs tail, and placed it where his nose used to be. Then he said: "I don't like this". And instantly he was out in the open.
Bert said: "God.." (Yes, what is it?) "I'm tired." (Oh, sorry) He laid down and slept for 3 minutes. When he woke up he was totally confused because he wasn't used to sleeping for so long. He picked his tail and began to walk. He looked around and realised that he liked the green sky.
He saw a box. It yelled: "Free noses, come and buy the free noses".
"Whauw", Bert said; "I must buy a nose". He went to the box and said: "I want to buy a nose".
"We don't sell noses here", the box said; "we sell noses". "Oh", Bert said; "then let me have a nose". "Allright", the box said; "Which one?" Bert couldn't decide so he bought all the noses. "That'll be 1 penny", the box said. "That much?", Bert asked. "Oh yes", the box repiled. Bert gave the box his tail and began to walk. He took his nose, which he had just found, and put it back on.
He ate the remaining noses. "Oh no, I have to sneeze", he said.
Then there was an enourmous explosion and Bert, looking into his destroyed stomach, said: "Why did I eat those noses? I know that I sneeze so easily when I eat noses".
Then he repaired his stomach and started to walk. He walked and walked and walked. Suddenly he was home. He said. "Hullo home". "Hullo Bert", his home answered. He entered his home and was never to be seen anywhere anymore.
Here ends my story about a little man called Cert (Bert, you fool ... Bert). Bye for now .....